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Show Yourself...

I just had a major realisation! ... I'm Elsa!!
Yeah, I know! ... Alright, maybe not but the song title spoke to me for this one, ok? But I did genuinely have a somewhat "mind-blown" moment, which really doesn't happen very often, does it? Even to Little Miss Thinkalot over here... I'm sure there's some sort of irony in there somewhere?

Anyway, I was having a conversation with one of my very best friends yesterday and it occurred to us - how many people take for granted the simple pleasure of being able to "see" themselves whenever they feel like it? You're probably reading this thinking 'everyone has the ability to see themselves, what are you going on about? You crazy girl...' and, up until yesterday, I'd be inclined to agree with you that I'd probably gone a little bit more bonkers than I already am! But what I'm getting at here isn't just being able to see yourself, it's being able to see your body in all its natural glory. I'm talking about being able to see yourself naked.

Now, before I go any further, I just want to clarify that I don't necessarily mean in a sexual way (although it's never a bad thing to look at yourself and just think "yeah, I am hot!" every once in a while). There's nothing - absolutely nothing - wrong with wanting to see yourself as nature intended for non-sexual reasons. It's important for health checks; checking for abnormalities or recent changes, and just knowing your own body, how it looks, how it feels, and feeling comfortable and confident in your own skin! I actually think it's one of the most important taken-for-granted things we humans do...

And then we get to the point.

Not all humans do do this. Not all humans can do this. When it comes to disabled people, we often can't dress or undress ourselves, so we become very accustomed to lots of different people seeing our bodies fully exposed, vulnerable, and undignified on a daily basis. And that's fine too. It's par of the course at the end of the day; we need help bathing etc.. and that can't be done without... well? Getting your kit off! I've lost count of the number of people who've seen me in my birthday suit. And yet, do we actually ever get to see ourselves this way?

No.

Why is that?

There's probably an encyclopedia's worth of reason why that may be but, personally, I can probably narrow it down to this:

We have to ask. And it feels "wrong".

We can't just get up and walk over to a mirror, and some of us can't even take photos as a substitute, so we're left wondering 'what do I actually look like underneath my clothes?' whilst being intrinsically programmed to never ask someone else to show us because we feel dirty or slutty or whatever... But, as I said before, the desire to see one's own body shouldn't have to be labelled as a sexual one. We're inquisitive creatures and I, for one, have been curious to see how my disability has "shaped" me many times in my life. I know what I don't look like - the curvy, booby models in magazines or on TV are a far cry from where I am, but then they are for most people - but for the longest time I had absolutely no clue as to what I do look like? Obviously I'd imagined it, using my knowledge of biology and my disability etc.. but it's not the same as actually seeing it for yourself, it was never going to be the same.

There's also the added barrier of, if you do pluck up the courage to ask someone to help you, who do you actually ask?! Carers generally aren't allowed due to boundary or safeguarding concerns, and regardless of how ridiculous the stigma behind it is, even if it was socially acceptable (which I really don't get why it's not to be honest?), I still don't think I could ever ask my Mother!! So what do we realistically do?

Well, "realistically" we either do nothing and accept that it's yet another socially enforced restriction on our already pretty limited lives... or we succumb to the stereotype and treat taking underwear shots (not even nudes!) like some dirty, unacceptable act just because we're not taking the shots ourselves. Seriously, why does it even matter who's taking them anyway?!

So, at the ripe old age of 26, I can finally say I know what I look like. And I was actually pleasantly surprised too. Ok, so my disability has done a bit of a Mike Tyson on me but it wasn't anywhere near as bad as I'd envisaged! That's another important point that screamed at me: the fact that I'd imagined my body looking worse than it actually does, for so long, has wreaked havoc on my self-confidence! Especially if  you are thinking along the "intimate" lines. If you don't feel sexy in your own skin, how is anyone else supposed to find it attractive? And when you're using pure imagination to build a body image, it's lethal to your self-esteem.

So sit in your chair or lie down, au naturel, in front of a mirror if you can. Take the photos if you can. Hell, ask someone else to take the photos if you're feeling confident! Build yourself up by seeing yourself as you are and not as you think you are, and show the world that beautiful isn't a category to fit into. You are your own kind of beautiful x


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