Relationships.
We all have them in one form or another.
Valentine's Day has always been a funny time of year for me. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, but most of the time it just sort of passes without any real acknowledgement. I've only ever had one relationship, but I was young and it didn't last very long through one reason or another, so I've never really had the whole "dating/relationship" experience. The one and only date I've ever been on was a disaster for the simple reason that dates generally don't work with just the one person - sucks to be me! Although, in hindsight, it was pretty hilarious as I left the restaurant alone... in the rain... and sat under a bus shelter only to be told that this particular one was no longer in use (which we did know and was actually waiting for a taxi but it was still funny). Was a proper romcom moment and I so wish I'd had music! Maybe I'll incorporate this scene when they finally decide to do a movie about my life? Hmm...
Anyway, the point is, I don't have much experience when it comes to romance. Platonic relationships? Yes (because I'm a real friend zone kinda girl apparently). But romantically? I haven't got the foggiest... And having a disability really doesn't help. I mean, apparently I can flirt and supposedly I do it quite well too *shrug* but it doesn't seem to help me very much. I started online dating because I figured it would be easier for me to, not only actually meet people, but also to get my personality across better without my disability getting in the way too much; I thought it would help people see "me". However, regardless of how well I flirt, or how witty my profile is, the amount of guys who have shown initial interest and then totally ghosted me is actually immeasurable by this point. Either that or I get the little boys whose only interest is whether I can "do it" or not - please! I really think this is why I tend to go for older guys? But even that isn't foolproof.
And then I start to think "why bother?".
Why do I put myself through the cringiness of online dating when, actually, I'm not even unhappy being single? I guess the answer is that, whilst I'm pretty content being all on my lonesome, being content isn't quite the same as being happy. Yes, I could probably have a fulfilling single life, and I more than likely will if it comes to it - I have so far and I'm nearly twenty-six - but sharing your life with someone other than family and friends is a special kind of love that everyone who's single tries desperately to convince themselves they don't need, especially us girls. But they do. They so do.
They want intimacy, and no, I don't just mean the sexual stuff, get your head out of the gutter... (Yes, Carrie, I'm talking to you!). Everyone wants that person whose hugs are the only ones who can heal you after a shitty day, the one person who can make time stop when they kiss you, even the one who you can be absolutely enraged by and them by you but still, after everything, you run back to each other every time - they especially want that one. Commitment.
So, whilst I'm ok with being single, being loved by family and friends, part of me sometimes wonders what it would be like to be in a relationship; to have someone to share things with in a different way to everyone else, to have someone look at me like I'm the most important person in their life, and to be able to do the same. But then I think about how difficult life can be for me and whether I could cope with or would even want to bring someone else so deeply into my life. I think about how much going out tires me now, and how much I may or may not be able to give myself to another person, physically and mentally, yet they would have to give so much of themselves to me. I think about all the places we wouldn't be able to go because of access or because I find travelling so hard, and I start to wonder if there's even someone out there brave enough to take that risk with me because, until we're in it, we would never know what's achievable. And it's that fear of the unknown that keeps me torn.
I hate the thought of someone having to change their entire life for me, even if they want to so that I'm in it, so I often find myself skipping past the "outdoorsy" or "athletic" types because I know I wouldn't be able to keep up or even join in. So it makes it very difficult as most guys are "outdoorsy" or "athletic" types! And, even if they're not, what couples don't go on holiday together? Or to family events? I probably wouldn't even be able to visit their Nan because I couldn't get in the door (and visiting their Nan is, like, the highlight of a relationship right? I mean... CAKE!!); and the importance of these things fluctuates with my mood.
So, whether there's a someone out there who would take that leap of faith with me, I don't know? But what I do know is, I'll continue to live my life contented until they find me...
Anyway, the point is, I don't have much experience when it comes to romance. Platonic relationships? Yes (because I'm a real friend zone kinda girl apparently). But romantically? I haven't got the foggiest... And having a disability really doesn't help. I mean, apparently I can flirt and supposedly I do it quite well too *shrug* but it doesn't seem to help me very much. I started online dating because I figured it would be easier for me to, not only actually meet people, but also to get my personality across better without my disability getting in the way too much; I thought it would help people see "me". However, regardless of how well I flirt, or how witty my profile is, the amount of guys who have shown initial interest and then totally ghosted me is actually immeasurable by this point. Either that or I get the little boys whose only interest is whether I can "do it" or not - please! I really think this is why I tend to go for older guys? But even that isn't foolproof.
And then I start to think "why bother?".
Why do I put myself through the cringiness of online dating when, actually, I'm not even unhappy being single? I guess the answer is that, whilst I'm pretty content being all on my lonesome, being content isn't quite the same as being happy. Yes, I could probably have a fulfilling single life, and I more than likely will if it comes to it - I have so far and I'm nearly twenty-six - but sharing your life with someone other than family and friends is a special kind of love that everyone who's single tries desperately to convince themselves they don't need, especially us girls. But they do. They so do.
They want intimacy, and no, I don't just mean the sexual stuff, get your head out of the gutter... (Yes, Carrie, I'm talking to you!). Everyone wants that person whose hugs are the only ones who can heal you after a shitty day, the one person who can make time stop when they kiss you, even the one who you can be absolutely enraged by and them by you but still, after everything, you run back to each other every time - they especially want that one. Commitment.
So, whilst I'm ok with being single, being loved by family and friends, part of me sometimes wonders what it would be like to be in a relationship; to have someone to share things with in a different way to everyone else, to have someone look at me like I'm the most important person in their life, and to be able to do the same. But then I think about how difficult life can be for me and whether I could cope with or would even want to bring someone else so deeply into my life. I think about how much going out tires me now, and how much I may or may not be able to give myself to another person, physically and mentally, yet they would have to give so much of themselves to me. I think about all the places we wouldn't be able to go because of access or because I find travelling so hard, and I start to wonder if there's even someone out there brave enough to take that risk with me because, until we're in it, we would never know what's achievable. And it's that fear of the unknown that keeps me torn.
I hate the thought of someone having to change their entire life for me, even if they want to so that I'm in it, so I often find myself skipping past the "outdoorsy" or "athletic" types because I know I wouldn't be able to keep up or even join in. So it makes it very difficult as most guys are "outdoorsy" or "athletic" types! And, even if they're not, what couples don't go on holiday together? Or to family events? I probably wouldn't even be able to visit their Nan because I couldn't get in the door (and visiting their Nan is, like, the highlight of a relationship right? I mean... CAKE!!); and the importance of these things fluctuates with my mood.
So, whether there's a someone out there who would take that leap of faith with me, I don't know? But what I do know is, I'll continue to live my life contented until they find me...
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